Finding a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions of life, second only to accepting the Lord as your Saviour. For, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD” (NIV – Prov. 18:22). Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife (NIV – Prov. 21:19); Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife (NIV – Prov. 25:24). The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down (NIV – Prov. 14:1). This article can help anyone with a question – How to find your right partner?
Like the two sides of a coin, even this topic of finding the right partner has two groups at loggerheads with each other. While the one waits for the Lord to bring the partner to him/her; the other while waiting and trusting on the Lord, also put some personal effort to find the partner through family, friends, relatives, matrimony sites, dating and so on. Thankfully, one foundation that is common in both the groups is the fact that they all depend on the Lord.
The former group has a good number of people who have waited and God had brought their partner supernaturally. Some of them had a vision or dream about their partner, while others had someone prophecy or heard the voice of the Holy Spirit. It is also true that there are many others who waited for God to do the supernatural and still waiting though they had some good and godly proposals brought to them from their family and friends and are now in old age. The latter group has also seen people, who had the leading of the Holy Spirit and found their partners, through families, church and live a blessed life. Sometimes, they have made a choice based on certain criteria. This group also has a good number of them that have rushed too quickly and live some miserable lives in the present. Therefore, it is imperative that whichever group you find yourself in, the fundamental issue will be to trust God and walk according to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Whether you belong to the former or latter group, do not look down on your fellow brother or sister who belongs to the other camp.
For the first group, I would encourage you to continue to walk with the Lord faithfully like Adam and eventually, He would present your Eve to you at the right time. He is forever faithful.
First and foremost in finding your right partner, remember that God is a loving God and desires the best for all His children. He is not interested in bursting your bubble or dream. He is all the more eager that you find the best and live not only a righteous life but also joyful life and in peace. That means every man and woman should be living the righteous life with peace and joy. They cannot enter marriage hoping to find it there; they will be hugely disappointed and make their lives even more miserable. If they enter marriage with righteousness, peace and joy, they are only going to multiply it and experience it to the maximum. Their life would be of experiencing heaven on earth.
One basic requirement would be to pray for your potential spouse. It is the absolute dependence and trust on God for making the right choice in one’s critical area of life in this world. The earlier it starts the better it is. Thereafter, the first and foremost criteria are that every single Christian need to have personal relationship with God as well as be involved with Him in His work on the earth. If you are looking for a husband or a wife, the first thing you need to do is, be available to God for His work through your life. It is easier for your future spouse to find you with a similar love and commitment towards Him. When you are also working for the Lord, you will also find God bringing someone closer – you already have some common grounds.
Secondly, check if your potential spouse has God as their first priority when you look for your right partner. If there are other things that take precedence such as office work (meeting or outings), game (cricket, tennis, gym, PSPO gaming…), his/her comforts (late nights on Saturdays or sleeping on Sundays instead of Church; skipping prayers and bible-studies at church…), or even glued to their gadgets (WhatsApp, Facebook…) during church service; beware, these are the things you would be fighting with for some attention from him/her. Your relationship with God and His work would also be seen in your relationship with others. Someone who fears God will also be able to respect others. You definitely want someone who respects you. If a young man / woman are disrespectful to others, stay away. Look for someone with whom you can pray and have a spiritual walk together and not a list of things to fight with.
Honour/respect your parents is a command. If someone is not able to respect their parents, then turn and run. You don’t want to get entangled with a disrespectful person for the rest of your lives. If he/she does not respect their parents, they will not respect even yours and eventually you too. Also, check how they respect the opposite gender, especially men with women.
The third point to check when finding your right marriage partner would be their behaviour with the opposite sex. If someone claims to be a Christian but is flirting with the opposite sex, then you know where your battles will be even after marriage. If they also have issues with some addictions to alcohol, drugs, food, TV etc. then watch out. You don’t want to be a co-dependent (It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive – Mental Health America) or care-taker for the rest of your life. When a family member or a friend raises some doubts on these areas, listen carefully and find the truth. It is better to be sorry now than later.
If you have some difficulties or experienced trauma in the past, get some good Christian counselling and work with your issues as part of your marriage preparation. Marriage would not be the solution for it and in fact would potentially exacerbate it. Do unto others what you want them to do to you. Just as you expect your spouse to be a certain way, prepare yourself to be the person your spouse would also like you to be. Be godly yourself and be the right person and you will find the right (not perfect) person.
Finally, involve your family to be part of this journey. Seek the wisdom of godly parents. They have seen life and are your best well-wishers. They will lookout for you and also would know better if a potential spouse would be a good fit or not.
In conclusion, how to find the right partner? You need to be in the right partnership – with God and His business. If you make Him and His purpose your priority, He will bring the right person at the right time to you. You will also know to discern if the person getting closer is truly His choice by understanding his/her attitudes and behaviours towards God and others which is also a reflection of the events to unfold later. Believe in the Sovereignty of God, Trust Him, and keep an open eye and heart – Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart (Psalms 37:4). We can then truly sing with the Hymn writer – Watching and waiting, looking above, Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.
Pr. Vinod Victor